2.2.12
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to you:
its been weird, i know.
i'm not the easiest person to understand and not one of those who can easily say what they mean, i speak in phrases that maybe only my mind can decode. i guess you should already know that, we've known each other for years now.
the thing is, something imploded (yes, imploded not exploded) and caused some major havoc (i honestly never expected that feeling, like a punch on the gut and mind you i had to go to work in a few minutes that day) in me when you told me those 3 words. those 3 words that i have been dreading to hear for days now, neigh for months..
i cant honestly blame you for anything as i wanted this to happen myself. all those messages that i didn't reply to and all those unsuccessful get together was premeditated in a way to make you realize something..
remember that song that i always told you about? 
yes that song from death cab. its been playing in my head for sometime now, and the thing is.. its true. and maybe this is the 'better' maybe she's the one that will go on and give you what you needed when we were together.
or fuck it, maybe this is my karma.
but you know what, for whatever the reason is, i know one thing is for sure.. i did this cause all i want from the beginning (and i honestly think that I've said it to you a million times already) is for you to be happy. whatever the cost is.
but the thing is.. i cant do all that shit if i need to be all friendly again.. i cant be all happy and shit while everything that came crashing that day is well, still in ruins. i cant pick up everything and pretend to be happy and be all fucked up and sincere while saying 'congrats' and shit. i just cant..
so im just asking for some time.. a lil time for me to suck it all up.. all those fears that this song made me realize.. i cant face that fucked up fear that i've lost my chance to be with someone that will take and accept me for all the good and the bad. the weird stuff and all.
its scary shit.
and maybe it is my karma.
because you know what sometimes i can still see it, how i want my future to be, remember those two dogs and a simple house? yeah they are still there in my head, waiting to be turned into some kind of reality. but the thing is i cant be selfish to think that i can still have that after everything. i cant expect you to wait forever while i adjust and fix all my shit..
i cannot be selfish to think that i can call you, miss you, and have you back whenever its more convenient.
i cannot be weak. i will need to sum up all the strength to not call you when i happen to miss you that day.
i cannot be weak, especially now..
you deserve better.
you need to be on the spotlight too. you need to be the cherished one; the goddamn flower in the gardener-flower story slash relationship.
and i dont want to hinder that from happening.
so go on.. be happy.
maybe someday (hopefully in the next few months days) i can sincerely say 'congrats" as i walk pass you and her and smile that smile that you know that is true.
but for now, let me pick up the pieces, let me see the consequences of what I have pushed you to do. let me stand and believe that i can do it on my own and face that god awful fear, because i never want to use you in any way to boost what little morale that i have. i never wanted anything more than to see you smile like how you used to smile when everything makes you happy.
i want to see that again someday.
and please always remember that like how Coelho once described love..
"If what one finds is made of pure matter, it will never spoil. If what you had found was only a moment of light, like the explosion of a star, you would find nothing on your return."
it'll never spoil.
- cha
[i try to fool myself to think ill be alright]
Another Beach Bum slept after2.2.12....
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31.7.08
.:: ::.
pabayaan mo lang ako.minsan lang naman e, alam ko madalas ka sa ganitong sitwasyon kaya hindi na toh bago sayo pero sa akin, minsan lang, kaya pabayaan mo na..intindihin mo na lang katulad ng pagintindi ko sayo. salamat.
[i try to fool myself to think ill be alright]
Another Beach Bum slept after31.7.08....
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21.5.07
.:: ::.
seriously its been a while..
funny thing is with baths, it doesnt just cleanse your body..in some people it cleans some cobwebs in your mind (ha!soul b dpat?) i mean i was always pondering on how do i know if im right?i cant be..im not always right and i know i have been hurting you because in a way i think im right..always.
but the thing is, im not, seriously..im not..i hate admitting that even to myself..because it would end up to me doing something that somehow would or had already hurt you in any other way..i hate myself for that..because when i think about it, the only one reason why i could say that i honestly love you, without the lust and all that self love, that kind of love that is selfless..all i can come up with is that i love to make you happy, i love seeing that smile that i now know that i can really do trust that is true..and with me doing something that makes you sad in any other way makes me seem uncaring or in a way that i dont love you and its not that..now i dont know what to do..
all i know is that..
i always want to see that smile..that same smile you give me everyday just by saying 'Morning Ü'
[i try to fool myself to think ill be alright]
Another Beach Bum slept after21.5.07....
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20.8.06
.:: ::.
| Your Dosha is Vata |
Creative and restless, you take in all of life's pleasures (maybe a little too much!).
You're quick witted and very talkative, but you also tend to have a spotty memory.
You tend to get very into ideas, people, and lifestyles... but only for a short time.
It's difficult to hold your attention, and you sometimes feel with what life has to offer.
With friends: You are very uncomfortable in new situations or with new people
In love: You fall in and out of love very easily
To achieve more balance: Live in a warm climate and spend some quiet time in nature |
[i try to fool myself to think ill be alright]
Another Beach Bum slept after20.8.06....
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.:: ::.
How You Are In Love
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You take a while to fall in love with someone. Trust takes time.
You give and take equally in relationships.
You tend to get very attached when you're with someone. You want to see your love all the time.
You love your partner unconditionally and don't try to make them change.
You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard.
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Another Beach Bum slept after20.8.06....
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4.7.06
.:: ::.
hands down
this day actually for me didnt start right for one thing i only had 2-3 hrs of sleep that was sooooo short that i was actually falling asleep while someone's talking to me >.< but i dunno life has this way of turning your day around just like that and my just-like-that was in the form of a chinese-looking-pink-wearing monster called pampi ÜÜ
yeash it sthe day that were suppose to celebrate a 'milestone' in our relationship..our aniversary hehe and i couldnt be any happier right now Ü he has this weird way of making everythign seem fine even if its not >.< or even lugt my spirit up when im really really down..
anywaaay about the 'celebration'
started like any other "date" met him in beacon(?) the just talked and walked around the mall until we saw the new mario kart racing thing in that i just had to try hahah :)) that i won by the way ahhahahah :D then after walking again [yeah i love to walk and talk..] we started to look for a place to eat [he was hungry,i think] and ended up un cpk...and for some reason i really didnt eel comfy at all..the people..ambiance...i dunno >.< but then when he sat beside me i was assured in a way that yeah everything will be alright because he was there literally and figuratively beside me ad i was happy again and i didnt care if i was startign to talk too loud like were the only ones there..all i know is that i was happy at that moment and to hell with anything else..
my goofy smile Ü
then after dinner we decided to well yes walk atound agai trying to find a place to sit and for him to have a yb >.< so we ended up in front o this flowershop/resto and i was nervous thinking that we would be shoooed awat for ot even buying anythig ad taking up precious costumer space but then after a while he excused himself and came back with this big pink-green thing that was called a bouquet of stargazers..i have o idea what type of flower it is all i know was i was mesmerized..i cant stop myself from touvhing it trying to consume all of its detail for future reference..for when life throws me a hard one, i would have this image of this beautiful thign in my mind.. so ayway after we talked and all he brought me home [he has a class at 8] and the minute we were alone..i hugged him..and said my thank yous but the being the "brave" person taht i am..i stoped an oncomming tear-ry moment..but yeash im sooo grateful or the book that he gave me and the stargazer taht im trying to preserve as mych as i could..
could it not wilt??plesase...
Another Beach Bum slept after4.7.06....
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4.6.06
.:: ::.
two main reasons why im not updating this thing:
- lazy little thing
- busy...
- poker hehe at triple jack
yeah i like to thik that ive been lazy ad i was busy but mainly whenever i would have the time to update or eve think of it i was toooooo lazy to do it...hey ive really been busy this past...months??nursing is one big hell, i mean i should be enjoying my life as a single non working kid but then again when your taking my course, youll have anatomy [hell], nutri [hell-er], summer [fudje it all] and MAKE UP DUTIES yeah and that brings me to that topic, make up duties..ive been paying 450 a day [i have 3 days o make up duty] which at first i thought was allright thinking that i would make up with my late and shit in the hospital [which yeah, we already had our duty in osmun(ospital ng muntinlupa) which take note i kind of enjoy except for that stupid shit of a patient that i had] and thinking that i could learn more things like iv push or something but hello come wed last week, i was shocked to know that we were going to be the 'researchers' in the case study that our school is doing which meant we had to go back to the commuity that we gladly left [no offense, its just that except or the uniform, i would choose the hospital any day (i think >.<) ] sigh...so lesson learned...ever be late....again
i pod ipod-an
hahahha im suppose to meet this guy i met at friendster for my new mp4 player. its a ipod nano-ish kind of player that i would hopefully get at 3800 [plus 60 or meetig him here in the south]
wish me luck
[i try to fool myself to think ill be alright]
Another Beach Bum slept after4.6.06....
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17.1.06
.:: ::.
my thought about love
heheh just have to write this down before it melts away from my head...love..is something that is so strong that it just sticks in your heart [like in the song that im currently listening to.."foreever youll stay in my heart"] and remains there and well lessens or in other terms..evovle to something greater or not..but you could still feel its minute presence once something triggers it, like the person himself...you could still somehow feel that little thud in your heart but then again..ot could be love for a friend but for someone special or that happy feeling of being cared by that person and that simple reason of being loved by that or loving him or her deeply once before and remembering it all then just that feeling of nostalgia then you realize that all of it..is how someone would interpret the specific thud in the heart.
im a mere coward...
ever had that feeling that you really want to say something but you just cant?like you tounge is tied by your fear of the fact that something could go wrong...but the thing is you cant really blame youself because..your scared...but it still feel like your running away from something that should have been said...done...and should have been over with.
im a fucking hypocrite.
Another Beach Bum slept after17.1.06....
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