.:: life is a beach ::.

27.10.04

.:: ::.

the pains of being alone...

the deep feeling that pulls you down...i always try to explain to everyone taht wwe are naturally lonely..and maybe i am jusy lonely and shit..that feeling like you feel like [excuse me for the term] pooping but youre not. i hate taht feeling to be honest..its such an empty[i cant think of anything better to put it] hallow feeling deep inside yourself that only you could understand or decipher. it sucks really...that weird feeling...it pulls you from that happy place that you try to convince taht you have found in this world and throw or rather drop you to reality that you are alone. its liek a big 'u suck so you should be feeling that ur all fucked up and nobody wants you..' stuck on your forehead [and having my body i have a big forehead so imagine the things taht could still be written on it..how much more insults just waiting to be discovered] i now that maybe i am just lonely and i must admit taht i am...im all fucked up and lonely...i hate facing reality that nobody wants to be with me...to connect to my world..not even my friends..i feel all alone in this world..defenseless against anything that the harsh world could bring up and smack to my face. maybe i am just over reacting to everything but somehow i think not...it really really hurts to realize that nobody even cares to say hello to you...i dont know over reacting again?maybe...but i dont know..maybe i am just to bent up in my own world taht i dont realize that the world would and could still revolve even with out me. that thier own lives could still be significant even without me touching thier lives even once. i am lonely not only because of them but also because of me. i am lonely because i fell like i am failing miserably in the goal that i have bestowed unto myself. to touch thier life with my uniqueness. to be rembered. to not vanish insignificantly in this harsh trial that we call life.

hmmm gnwa ko yan...makata ako kng ang pinaguusapan naten e ako lng..vain n kng vain pro o well...db snbi ko nmn snyo n e2 ung nsa utak ko..kya bkt b...neiwey db sira ang fone ko[kng nde nyo alm..cra ang fone ko at ngaun e nkay kuya nyelpown xa for one week] kya aun...ngaun lungkot n lungkot ako ksi feel ko nwla ko ang thing n pdeng mgconect sken ska s mga tao s pligid ko..leche..naiinis ako sbra..actuali nalulungkot nga..ksi feel ko ang saklap ng buhay ko...alm nyo un ung kataga n plging sinasabi ng mga taong alang nagtetext s knila..ung 'ai nobody cares' aun ang nararamdaman ko as un n un..leche naiinis n nga ako e..pms b toh?pro un tlga e...ksi kng iisipin nyo ang nangyri sken bka nde nmn kau mweirdohan kng bkt ko naisip toh...gn2 ksi

una s lhat..ung nanyri smen ni a nun inaayos nmen ung clearance nmen...l8 ksi kmi ni a ngcing kya l8 kmi nkpnta ng school..tpos pgdting nmen dun nlman ko kay sarah n umalis ang 'alliance' plus sha and kukai ppntang sm..at kmi ni a ang mga ewan n d nkaalam s nanyri...i mean taena...ouch db...d b nmn kmi sbihan..gnun b kmi ka-unwanted?tpos e d pmnta n lng kmi ni a s sm pra kmain tpos tntnong nmen kng anu n nga b kng asn n cla nlman nmen n mgbabadminton pla cla..tpos aun ang dmi nilang plano..tpos kmi aun nsa fud court kmakain..i dont mean to sounc like a lil brat pro tlgang mainis ako...bkit d man lng kmi snbihan khit un simpleng 'oi a/cha gs2 nyo pmnta ng sm?tpos badminton tau aftr [kng pde may hapi smile dn d2 pra heartfelt db?]' tpos isng piso away from my hapiness...tpos aun i jst let it slide..iniisip ko n kya nde nkrting smen un ksi una si a lng ang may fone smeng 2 at pngalawa l8 nga nmn kmi gumising..tpos nxt day venitian masquarade nmen...tpos snbi nmen kla spy ung nga abt dun s iniwan nila kmi ni a at ngttmpo kmi s knila tpos ang sgot sken ni =] 'd ko nga dn alm e..snbihan lng nila ko' at kng tma ang alala ko e nun nsa sm kmi e hinihintay nila sila alam na ksi kumukuha ng gmit..to think n kinaya nilang intayin sila alam n tpos kmi kht isng txt..ai d mron pla..ngtxt dw c spy kay a [immature alam ko pro nsktan ako..bkt?dhil xa lng ang sinabihan...or e2 nnmn ang eternal optimist..bka d mo lng nrecieve..cra fone mo e..the eternal libra strikes again!] n un nga dw iniimbita dw ppntang sm...neiwey abt dat case closed...naiisip ko ngaun n ala dhil lng yan s fone nnmn...pro d ko tlga maiwasan n mgtampo...

second thing...nun nanyri nun bamboo concert..iniisip ko n ala un...ksi ala nnmn akong fone kya d ko nalaman n ala plang ppnta s knila...proa ng saklap ha ang ksma ko ang sec C i mean ayus cla pro mjo op p dn ako ksi sec cla tpos ako lng ang ngiisang pasaway n A..pro ala un..tamad lng cguro cla...ska cra nga fone ko db?mlay mo tntnong ko pro d nla alm n ppnta pla tlga ako...kya d n lng cla pmnta ksi to think n 200 tpos ala k pang ksma..or ako lng...db..hassel nga nmn...

third..knina ko lng nlman n tloy p pla ang EK experience nmen...pno ko nlman xmpre dhil ngksma kmi ni a knina...at e2 nnmn ako ang iniisip ko e ala fone ko ulit ang may kslanan kya nga ala nnmn ako nllman tngkol s mga lakad lakad kng san man o kng buhay p ang mga kaibigan ko...

fourth at hopefulia ng last e un nlman ko abt s west..may kita kita pla [movie lng nmn s town] s sabado..nuod sharks tale...nsa isip ko..bka nga ala nga nmn ako online...or ala nga nmn akong fone kya pno ko mllman un?db..tma..tma tma tma tma tma...

isa akong paranoid alam ko!aminado ako dun..isa akong paranoid mdli akong mgpanick tngkol s emotion ng mga tao..nabubuhay ako s gs2 nilang kalabasan ko..kng ano ang gs2 nila kng ano ang ineexpect nila sken khit ayw ko minsan tintry kong gwin...the best pra s mga taong mhal ko[sa inyong lahat] at ang lhat ng nangyri sken e dhil lng yan s wla akong connect s outside world...logic lng db?pno k mssbihan kng ala nmn way n mreach k?pno m mllman...pro khit gnyan ang isinasaksak ko s isipan ko..ndun p dn ang eternal pessimist part ng utak ko n ngssbi n...'cha leche ibaon m n nga s kokorte m n kng gs2 tlga mkkhanap cla ng praan pra i-reach k pro dhil aus-lng-c-cha-lng-nmn-yan kya ala clang pkealm ksi may praan k nmn n mkuha ung info n un mging huli man ang lhat..pro db..nlman mo...prang s nlamn ko nun isang arw lng..ayw man nilang mksma pro dhil alm nilang mllman pnpbyaan n lng at d n lng sinasabihan..db..may sense?' db sna inde un..sna tlga..fone ko lgn un fone ko lng un fone ko lng un internet lng un internet lng un..nsa void k ksi n also known as your house kya alang nkakakonek sau...fone internet at house mo lng un...

aiza sigurra ako?pde ba?!

may naunearth nnmn akong insulto s utak ko...ung snbi sken ni ayw-ko-bangitin-ang-pangalan n 'alm mo cha..naalala ko sau si aiza siguerra' i mean s unang rinig maiinsulto k lng ksi una s lhat nde ko un kamuka..pde b?!pro ang logical part ng brain k n nkpgconnect ng dots e may n unravell n smting hidden s phrase n un..ang phrase n 'alm mo cha naalala ko sau si aiza s.' ai synonymous s 'cha alm mo tibo ka' puta...nun ko tlgang narinig un..un agad ang inisip ko...pro xmpre alm m nmnng sbhin ko n oi bakla inde ako tibo excuse me!ang guilty ko nmn db?kya xmpre take the alternate route at sbhin n lng n 'oi gago ka inde ko kamuka un!' pro deep inside...tang ina...[ayw-ko-bangitin-ang-pangalan..nde kita tinitira..pro naalala ko lng un snbi mo...at alm k smwer kng tma ang hinala ko...alam mo at alam ko kng bkt..] nakakadegrade lng tlga..ksi alm ko ang pagkakaiba ng tibo at ng babae..i mean nglalaro ako ng basketbal..so mjo nkikita ko ang mga tao n tibo as in un 22o nde ung k2lad ko n mjo boyish lng at ang dakilang mgmuka nang sporty kng sporty pro gs2 ko ang porma ko dhil comportable ako s ganito i mean nde nmn dhil close ako at protective s mga kaibigan ko [n babae mostly at in times s lalake dn] at gn2 ko pumorma e ibg sbhin e tibo n ako..putang ina talaga...pde ha kng may ssbhin kau n gnun pdeng pakialam mna kng anu ung ibig sabihin nun ssbhin nyo at alamin nyo kng anu ang pagkakaiba kng gn2 at ganyan..pwede lng tlaga!? putang ina ksi kng 22o wlang pakundangan tatayo pa ko at tatawa at ssbhin 'oo bkt anganl ka?' pro dhil inde putang ina talaga prang dinegrade mo ko ng todo e..puta saksak[nde sampal] un s pagkatao ko..alamin mo nmn muna oh..prud akong mging babae at proud akong sinasabi n baliw ako s mga lalake at ang kakyutan nila kya tang ina pwede lng tlaga...kng pwede lng wag n wag nyo ko tatawagin ng tibo ng d nyo alam kng anu talaga ang tibo..pumunta kayo s isang place n mrming tibo..pra malaman niyo kng cnu ang tibo at kng cnu ang muka lng pro npakalayu dun..pwede lng tlaga..nde nmn bawal n mging cautious s snsbi e...d tlga bawal pramis...

ai ngmessage sken c palma..pra iadd xa nun mga team8s ko..ok lng hahahha minesage p dn ako!happy happy joy joy~~ hahahha :D crush!

[i try to fool myself to think ill be alright]

Another Beach Bum slept after27.10.04....