hmmm confused..totally... do i or do i not?the freaking L word...
first thing first...we went to our province last oct 30 i think and that was..a drag...i mean there was nothing and i mean nothing to do in alfonso...a book kept me sane for our 24 hours stay...shit...neiwey...our cousin paolo was so cute..here he is...
neiwey...he was the cutest baby ive ever seen heheh :D but also the heaviest..to think that it was only about 10 mins of holding him in my left arm...and after that i cant even raise my arm up..he's that heavy! oh yeah our tito glenn had a new baby son..and his name is...jomar glenn[ehem] that i think was born sometin 29 omg...wat a frickin coincidence...Bullshit...
after that we went to naic..and i guessed that was when my confusion began...first there was the 'sleeping' i did in our van in which i tried to sleep and ended up pretending to sleep just to not look outside...then as always we rode the motorbike there just to kill time...then after one 'sermon' we just stayed in the house and watched all that weird horror specials...so when i was enjoying myself with all that nonsense[that i think was suppose to leave me sleepless and scared..yeah right] someone by some miracle texted me [i was using my mom's fone at this time because my fone was busted...stupid little thing] ang guess who it was...well who else...it was glenn...so ill try to think of the exact things that i said and he said...so...:
x files: oi slip k n b?gnda mo ata ngaun ha..glit k p b?
me:ewn ko..leche nan3p pa
x:nyeak cge nde n...pro gs2 ko lng tlga mlman kng glit k
me: glit?ewn ko neiwey cge gudlck n lng senyo
x:pro glit k p nga?
me:ewn ko nga.bkt k b ngsosori?pra maalis ung guilty feeling?
x:oo
me:bkt anu b gs2 mo manyari?
x:gs2 ko mging friend[xa ngsbi nyan!] tau
me:bkt?pra nga maalis ung guilty n feeling?
x:oo nman! cge n pumayag n u ga2win ko lhat pra mging frnd tau! [exact words]
me:selfish! ewn ko sau...
so that was the end of that conversation....then next day we all went to the cemetery and i was just there playing card with my cousins and all and there he was..that freakin 'mumu'...with the other mumu [original mumu] and i thought i was already safe cuz hey i didnt think that he would come and walk and stay in front of the van in which we decided to stay and listen to the radio to kill time..damn karma...[i was teasing my sister before about her 'mumu'] and there he was..damn it...and when i saw him...i dunno my heart pumped so hard that i needed a book to distract myself or else ill throw it to him and scream something...arggghh...or so i thought..now that i thought about it..i dunno why my heart did that heavt pumping thing...scared?yes i think so..i was scared of my ghost...my ghost of that particular painful past......that was i think the start of the confusing part of my already "im-making-myself-believe-to-be-stable-life-so-shut-the-fuck-up"
oh yeah made an entry after the text thing:
cl me picky pro ang gs2 ko tlga kpg msma ang ngwa sken e un 'sori' nya e d dhl s guilt lng nya kng d dhl gs2 nya tlga mgsori pra s ngwa nyang mli..un nmn tlga dpt db?cguro kya d kta mptwad kc alm k n out of guilt lng ung sori m...kc alm k n kya m lng snsbi un kc its based on your own selfish need to b ok n 2 gt rid of dt guilt that in fact is holdin u bck frm smtin so dt erases d prev statement of guilt bcz of wt uv orig dne...n d sense of the word 'sori'
then there was also this 'guy' [up to now i still dont trust him that much..and i dont think i could trust anyone without seeing them face to face and seeing thier eyes..] who said he was vince [even more suspicious...] who was 16 and a male and from what he said he was from qc...anyway my first question was...'how the hell did he got my number?and if so..who the hell is this creep?' so we argued about that..i kept on asking and he kept on insisting that he just randomly choose it from his fave #s [yeah right bullshit] then my cousin who i knew had an idea [or anything] about the mysterious person came so naturally i asked him and asked if he knew that number...then there it was...and yes it was a vince..a vince nazareno...so i told him that i already know who he is so he fess up and told me that he got it from glenn [i dunno if he got it or glenn gave it to him but hell..i dont wanna ask anymore] neiwey..so i thought this guy has nothing to do with the thing that happened between us so why ignore him so we texted and then wed night he asked me the question that i kept on dodging...it was simple really..."nagmove on ka na ba kay glenn?" i was stumped..i didnt know what to say because i really didnt think about it because i thought it would complicate things..and it did... because honestly i dont know myself..so i just said yeah im over him but still a little bitter about it...and he said that he understand that kinda shit so i didnt have to say anything because that happened to his last gf...so he understand if i still luv him or misses him...and my mind went blank..wait a minute...did i still love him?do i still crave for him?do i still love him?those questions all went into my mind in a flash and i cant think of any answer..so i just replied...miss..yeah i think so but love..the hell not...[i said it without knowing if i meant it...] and he left it at the thankfully...but it really got me thinking and oh yeah there was this one time that he said that he was angry with glenn because of the things he did to me and i just said he dont be mad at him [because he is still your friend even though i thanked him for that] and just let me be the one to be mad as hell...that also got me thinking...did i still cared for him to make others like him even if he did that?do i? i have no fucking idea!!
so...i opted on asking the stars [literally] one night on our way home from ek...then i was intent on asking them thinking that they do hold the answers that i was looking for then i just turned away for a second then they were gone all the stars...the clouds blocked my view..then the lights...bright lights from the city...heck...i think it was a way of telling me that only i could give the answer that i was looking for and im hoping and reaaalllyy realllyy hoping that they would come to me someday...and hopefully face my ghost and burry the bad memories with him...and the good ones..in a special place in my mind...
the EK experience!!!
yeah we went to ek and it was a blast!i never thought that ek could be so..distracting heheh nah that was just the bonus of it all..i mean it was really really cool plus all the great people that i was with that day...its just awesome...i missed my kada(sisc kada)[alliance] terribly when i had no way of contacting them...and that EK experience was enough to keep me smiling the whole entire day...its just so fun...so im hoping for a repeat with other people with us [the original 6] so it would be much more fun =] so neiwey we were there from 10 am to 7 pm and we went to all the rides and really did have a grand finale with the carousel ride [pony...:D] and that wonderful pic at the end..even though we were soaking wet from all that rio grande [in which we didnt stop not until julius was wet because he was always the 'lucky one' to not to get wet...while all of us were like dipped on the icky water] and log jam and not to mention the rain [yes it was raining but it didnt stop us!] it was all ok =] the bump ride was really fun because we kept on targeting one person and bumping him all through out the ride heheh and my fear..the space shuttle was actually really really fun in the beggining i was really scared especially with the vertical and sudden drop thing then after it all it was just so fun!!the loop that kept on bring my hands down and trying to keep my eyes shut but hell i was determined to see and feel it all even if it meant my death...oh...i was so morbid...especially on that ferris wheel ride...because of that i was like a freaking moron holdin on the bars..then when the sight of the whole place from above [especially at night] welcomed me..i was like oh wow! forget that fucked up imagination of yours the sight was to die for anyway...so i set my fear aside and just gushed and 'ooohed' and 'aaahhhed' at the sight it was soooo cooool =] so yeah i think i learned from that ferris wheel ride the most =] set your fear and doubts aside because behind that the world is such a beautiful place to be living in =]
alam kong ginagago lng ako nun kausap ko pro sbi nya...'kht anu pra sau kht mundo pa...' wow..ang sarap pakinggan...db??
i try to fool myself to think ill be alright] ...how true......[12]
